How can I help my 5 year old deal with a bully at the babysitters house?

Question

A very good friend of ours has a child who has some emotional issues. He becomes very violent when angered and is quick to lose his temper. Recently I became aware of a situation that involves my 5 year old son. Our friend (mentioned above) is also our babysitter and she does a wonderful job! However, her son became violent today towards my son and I'm really concerned about it.

I love our friend, she is a wonderful and dear person. What do I tell my son he can do to protect himself against her son who is older and bigger? (Her son is 11) My son is timid and shy and is easily hurt.

Any positive and helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

First of all, your son shouldn't be responsible for protecting himself from an 11 year old boy who is probably twice his size. That is your friend's responsibility when she is taking care of him.... period. The problem is your friend's inability to control her son. I worked with severely emotionally disturbed boys for 8 years in a group home. It was my responsibility to keep the younger/smaller boys safe from the bigger ones when they got angry.



First of all, when one of the boys did get out of control I was capable of handling them physically. I was trained to know how to restrain them to keep them safe and other's safe. If your friend's son is severe like this she should get that training. Residential treatment facilities sometime train parents and foster parents these skills.



Another point is that I was stronger and more dominate than all of the boys and they knew it. This fact is important. If your friend's 11 year old son feels more dominate than his mother and uses aggression to control her, thats a problem. The kids I took care of knew I wasnt scared of them. Some emotionally disturbed/behavior kids use their anger out bursts to control their parents and others. They know their parents cant handle them when they get out of control so they get their way and they make their parents walk around like they are on egg shells all day long. Some parents are scared of their kids... even at 11 years old. If this is the case, the 11 year old is in control when he becomes angry not his mother. If this is the case, you should find a new babysitter. Well at least until your friend learns how to parent her son's special needs.



As for your son if you choose to keep allowing your friend to watch him. Tell your son to never be alone with the 11 year old boy. He should be within sight and sound of your friend at all times and when the 11 year old boy gets angry, he shoud instantly stop what he is doing and go sit beside an adult and let them know what is going on. He shouldnt say anything or try to do anything to control the older boy.



As for your friend, you need to have a VERY serious talk with her aabout her son and her inability to meet his needs. I'm not saying that you have to be mean but you do need to ask her what she is doing to protect your son when her son gets angry. There needs to be a plan that she knows to follow and you know also. For example, it should be HER responsibility to keep your son within sight and sound at all times. Its good to tell your son this, however, its ultimately your friend's responsiblity especially if her son is physically aggressive.



Basically, your friend needs be the one doing something to protect your son. If she cant do that, keep her as a friend however look for another babysitter.

Answer 2

It's your baby sitter's job to protect him when he's in her care. If she can't or won't (or won't acknowledge that her son is a problem), then you may have to rethink this. Talk to her and see if the two of you can resolve this.



I know your son will be in school pretty soon and will have other bullies to deal with, but 5 is a little too young to be faced with a bully.

Show him how to deal with a bully by going to the one who is supposed to protect him. If that doesn't work, then it's your job to get another sitter.



Bullies get away with this behavior because their victims think in some way that it's their own fault they're getting picked on. Then they're ashamed to say anything and they just take the abuse and are miserable. Well, it's not his fault and make sure he knows it. Plus, they are afraid that if they say anything at all that the bully will get mad and make things even worse. Make sure your son knows that behavior like this is wrong and knows that there are steps that must be taken to stop it. And that is NOT his fault.



Your sitter may be such a dear person that she doesn't believe her 'baby' would do anything like that. In which case, get your son out of there.

Answer 3

You should... 1) Get into some personal therapy 2) Make a plan to leave (including finding a job if you don't have one) 3) Set aside money 4) File for divorce and go... I've been riding out some serious BS in my marriage for over a year now as I try to save to leave...it's not easy and there are days that I just want to run away but I too see how my husband's behavior is affecting our child...it's not healthy.

Answer 4

Talk to your friend about her son being a bully! Tell her that she is a great friend but to take care a little bit more of her kid. Don't offend her though. Try talking to your son about it. Tell him he is just being a bully and to ignore him. At school they used to tell me that is a bully/ annoying person was bothering you to get out an eraser and do erasing motions at him and ignore him for the rest of the time untill he apologizes or at least turns nicer. He will feel mad and annoyed to see his prey not paying attention!

Answer 5

I have always believed that we, parents, are our child'ss biggest advocate! Anytime I suspect that something is going wrong (my kids are the same, timid shy and not quick to fight fight, verbally or otherwise) I nip it in the bud immediately! If it is at school I talk to the teacher. If that doesn't resolve the issue then I take it to the office. If it is at the park I will usually calmly and nicely approach the kid. Not in a rude orthreateningg way. Usually there is no problem with a parent watching or within earshot. Daycare should be the same way. Take it up with he provider! If it is a day care center take it up with the teacher and if the problem persists take it up with the director.

Answer 6

I hate to say it, but if her son is 11 and yours is 5...you might want to separate them. I understand that you are friends and that doesn't have to (and shouldn't) change that friendship, but your kids are at crucial ages. I think you have to make that decision where you leave your child with someone else...and discuss it before hand so your friendship can survive.

Answer 7

you need to talk to your friend and let her know your concerns I mean if she's going to be the one to baby sit your child then its her responsibility to ensure that your child is safe while in her care if she can't provide that or you still feel concerned ,uneasy, or just a mother's intuition about your child's safety while he's there then you need to find a new baby sitter. your son deserves a safe environment where he doesn't feel threatened in any way and you can have peace of mind while your away.

Answer 8

she may be your friend and a wonderful person but you have to understand what that is doing to your child and how its going to affect him in the long run. i suggest getting a new babysitter.

Answer 9

It is your job to protect him. Get him out of there. Bullying has a long-lasting effect on kids like yours, I know because I have one too.