How do i deal with this child upbringing issue?

Question

My son is four, me and his dad are separated. his dad sees him at weekends and visits him 1 night a week.
My son has behaviour problems at school, he hurts other children and I'm working very hard along with the teachers to takle the issue.
Yesterday his aunt took him to the barbers' and because he didn't want to have his hair cut she threw his lolly on the bin at which point he hit her repeatedly. His dad arrived at the scene just after this happened as I asked him to because he was coming to see my son so was nearby. When my sister told him about what happened his dad brushed it off. As a consequence I've written him an email, here's the copy on my profile on the 'news' section. If you have the time to read it Please let me know if you think.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/lzsousa

Answer 1

Your son is four and is in school, he must be very bright. Parenting is a very difficult job and even at the best of times you have to constantly wonder if you are raising your child properly. It must be very hard for you to deal with your sons difficult behaviour without the co-operation of his dad. There also seems to be other issues which are causing you grief. There is conflict between you and his dad. A lot of anger and resentment which is obvious in the things you say to each other regarding upbringing and inappropriate behavior on both sides. These things can cause a lot of emotional pain. Your son sees this pain and feels pain of his own. He fears separation, he acts out for attention, and he hits and hurts because he hurts and doesn't know how to express these feelings. You used the word discipline as a consequence for his inappropriate behavior and you said you did not hug him like you normally do before you leave home. Withholding your loving hugs is not a proper consequence for his behavior. How that must have hurt him. HIs aunt certainly didn't need to through your son's lolly in the garbage, that also was not the best way to deal with a child that is acting up. Perhaps the best way to handle your son not wanting to have his hair cut was to take him home. Either you could cut it since he behaves for you or you could let it grow long and braid it. Show him a picture of what his hair will look like if it is long and braided or curled, if he likes that then what is the worst that could happen, if he doesn't then ask him who he would like to have cut it and how he would like it to look. He seems to be quite advanced for his age why not give him choices. The next choice he could make is decide what would be an appropriate consequence for his violent behavior towards his aunt. You offer two choices, but before that ask him if he thinks what he did was okay, how does he feel about hurting his aunt. If he is sorry and realizes it was not okay suggest he say he is sorry to her. If he thinks he was justified in hitting her because she threw away his sucker, find out if that is the real reason why he lost his temper. It is normal to be upset about having your lolly thrown into the garbage but hitting your aunt that much indicates a real anger towards her, why? Either way he must have a logical consequence for his behavior. Perhaps if he watches t.v. and there is violence in some of the programs, even cartoons can be violent, then he will be restricted to only nature programs. I would like to suggest to you rather than arguing with his dad over what he doesn't do maybe it would be a good idea to forget your differences and focus on what is happening with your son and together decide how to teach him proper behavior. Remember to concentrate on the positive behavior that he displays. Both of you need to assure him of your love no matter what and both of you need to decide what logical consequences for bad behavior would be appropriate. If you work together your son will see that you both care. He also will not be able to divide you with his acting out so that he gets his own way. (what a great deal of power he has when you get upset and fight with his father). If his dad won't accept what is suggested here then perhaps you could see a family cousellor that can give you some resources that will help you deal with the challenge of parenting a clever hurting little boy. How you were parented and how his dad was parented can have some negative effect on how you parent. They will help you work some of that out too. There may be more to his behavior than what you can handle alone and professional help may be necessary. Some children are brilliant and their behavior is dreadfull, why? Who knows, but there is help for you there as well. Has he been abused? That you need help to find out. See your doctor or family services for information as to where to find professional help. No matter what mom, you are your son's advocate and the only constant in his little world. Do not hold back your love and attention for any reason. Good luck!

Answer 2

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your ex simply "brushed it off". It is very possible that he chose to deal with the situation in his own time, in his own manner. When it is his time with his son you need to respect his parenting style. You are also expecting a lot from him. He only sees him a fraction of the time you have with him so it is reasonable that he wants the visit to be a positive, fun experience. This does not mean that he should not be a disciplinarian, just that you can't jump to conclusions about how an issue is dealt with - you weren't there for the rest of the visit.



Another issue may be that he didn't know how to discipline him. If you have been doing the majority of the parenting up until now, it is very possible that he really didn't know what to say to him, or how to deal with the problem.



How you and your ex deal with each other is going to deeply affect the development of your son. A few posts already express the same sentiments and they are correct - I have experienced it first hand. You and your ex, perhaps should begin therapy together so you can both learn to respect the parenting style of the other, but get on the same page about what is important to both of you in the raising of your son - what is punishable and what are appropriate repercussions for certain behaviours. With a therapist that has a focus on children, you will both benefit by being introduced to non-violent, respectful ways to modify behaviour.



You are not going to like everything that your ex suggests, nor is he going to like everything about your style. But, if you can meet half way and keep the major issues for both households the same you are both giving your son a continuity that only can benefit him.



You may just find that you can learn a thing or two from your ex.



Too many custodial parents attempt to continue controlling their ex through the children. Make sure that you are not doing this - even inadvertently.



Ask your ex to attend meetings with the teacher so that the three of you can develop a plan to help your son. After all the triad of parents and teachers (and often caregiver) is the most important one in your sons life right now. He should be just as invested in the well being and raising of your son as you are.



I wish you and your family the best.

Answer 3

it seems like it's the father who is the problem, not the child. Children find it very hard to deal with break-ups in the family. And even if the parents are no longer together, you should still be united with raising your child. It won't work if one of you is the 'good cop' and the other 'bad'.

rather then write emails to his father why don't you both arrange to sit down together with someone perhaps a mutual friend, and talk through all the issues that you are both having. Try and come to some kind of agreement on how to raise your son together. Otherwise your son will grow up thinking that he can get away with this unreasonable behaviour and will try and play you off against each other.

Form a team! you will find things will become much easier when there is someone supporting you.



good luck

Answer 4

can you & your ex not sit down & discuss this when your son is not around? The issue here is you 2 not sharing the disciplinary side to your sons upbringing but you and your ex are caught up in your own battle. He should not be making you feel like a bad mother, nor you make him feel like a bad father. I think your childs bad behaviour is like that of any 4 year old and yes he'll give you many reasons to scold him but you are doing your job! I wonder did you write this email in anger? you as parents need to set up an agreed disciplinary system but you have to be the adults and stick to it for your sons sake.Perhaps you could agree on 3 warnings if he gets naughty, tell him he needs to stop behaving badly or he will have a punishment where you put him out of the room where the behaviour happens for 4 minutes, a minute for each year of his life. this is hard for a four year old but it does work if you are ready to stick with it. while he is put in an area away from you for the four minutes you cannot give him any attention just tell him he has to stay there until he can be a good boy. You can also try a star chart for when he is good, he gets stars and so many stars say 10, he gets a treat or an outing. This reinforces good behaviour. You could make 2 charts 1 for the wall in your house and a copy in your ex house so the child knows it works everywhere he goes. I think if you have'nt sent this email yet, dont send it. Call your ex arrange to meet and say you do not want a fight you just want to agree on a discipline system for the child. You 2 seem to be slinging insults at each other which is not doing anyone any good. Your child has the difficult task of adapting to 2 homes and 2 parenting styles so will naturally misbehave to get attention from the 2 of you. At 4, he needs to feel as secure as possible, he needs a tight routine in order for this to be achieved, you 2 adults have got to agree to give him the same consistent love,discipline and security as much as possible whileliving apart. Break ups are never easy and your child has suffered a loss in his father leaving his home this has consequences and how he sees adults treating each other is the foundation for how he will treat people in his future. You are without a doubt doing your very best for your son while it appears your ex lets him away with everything, your ex has part time access to your son so like a lot of people he wants their time together to be fun and does'nt want it to be a battle field so he lets him away with stuff. But you 2 need to discuss this in a mature way not slinging dirt at each other for how the other lives just to set up a system where by your child is managed equally by both parents. Good luck, I hope you get somewhere with all this it must be very hard.

Answer 5

I think your son's head is completely messed up!! Do your and your ex always act bitter towards eachother while your child is about??

I would try talking to your ex again in a calmly manner and just say it would mean a lot to me if we could work as a team, if our son does something wrong,can you stick by me when i punish him etc......If you dont work together,there is no hope im afraid.



I think counselling would help as a family maybe once a week.

I dont know what else to suggest.except never be negative about your ex in front of your child and stop questioning him about what dad says,its not good 4 him.

I do feel sorry for you,maybe next time he does something wrong ring his dad or text him to ring your son and say look son mum told me what you did today,and im not happy about it! why did u do that? its not acceptable!. Then if your son knows dad feels the same as you thats great.



Good luck!!

Answer 6

There is a saying that goes [Bend the tree while it is still young]. I personally feel that your son should have been punished [ i don't mean beat the heck out of him ] but something that he enjoys doing should be taken from him or at least the father and yourself should have pointed out the error of his ways to him. He is obviously a smart child and knows he is getting away with the way he behaves. The father is obviously playing the good parent and you are made out to be the bad one. That happens in a lot of households, i myself was guilty of telling my children just you wait till your dad gets home until i saw that what i was doing was wrong. The father should teach the child to respect others and that hitting was wrong, i feel for you because should the father continue to behave that way the child is going to have difficulty in recognising right from wrong and see you as the baddy when you try to correct him. Good luck to you and i wish you and your child all of the best. You just carry on being a good mother and try your best.:)

Answer 7

hi, whatever way you look at it, your child hitting someone else coz he doesn't get his way is wrong. If the father is just brushing it off then you're fighting a losing battle trying to disipline him. If he thinks Daddy's thinks it's not a big deal then he's never going to stop. You need to tell the father to grow the hell up and take your child seriously.

I read your email and I think your right about all those things you said. At the end of the day if he's not going to help and keep making it worse then your child is going to be the one with all the problems so if he doesn't buck his ideas up after reading that email I'd take the drastic action that your talking about. Good luck. (and you needn't worry about being a good mother coz you seem like a pretty damn good one to me)

Answer 8

I hope you regret sending that e-mail. If drastic action is to be taken and he produces it as evidence, his solicitor will have a field day with you. You sound, in the e-mail, like a very angry person.

You accuse your ex of not backing you up, but you yourself are giving your son conflicting emotions, you say you love him but you did not hug him, how do you think he felt?

I'd bite the bullet and accept that you and your ex obviously have conflicting views on your son's upbringing. By taking drastic action, do you mean that you will stop him seeing his son. How do you think your son will feel about that? Think calmly and rationally about what youre doing.