I am rasing a lying theif.....what can I do to fix it.?

Question

almost 2 weeks ago my 9 1/2 year old daughter stole a cell phone from a friend at school. She lied about it but of course we found out the truth. I grounded her from tv, music, and going to her friends for two weeks. She missed a halloween party and won't trick or treat tonite because of it.

Today, I got a phone call from the princaple, 1 week prior to the cell phone incident, a wallet came up missing from her class. Today, my daughter turned it in saying she found it in the upstairs by the bathroom. The chances of this are .0001%. My daughter then told the principal that I knew about, (I didn't). $5 was missing out of the wallet, which i will make my daughter pay back.

We are a very honest family careful not to lie and never steal. Last year she went to a catholic school this year its public and all this problems. Whats going on? How can I fix it? Is my punishment good enough?

HELP Please.

Answer 1

I do not know what all the personal insults going back and forth have to do with this answer forum, people are asking for advice not criticism. First up I think this age group get into lots of trouble, lying, stealing and just using bad judgement, I think you should go talk to the principal and get his view/ advice he may be able to give good feedback, there are also social work interns in school who can talk with your girl to see if she is finding it hard to find her place in the new school, I do not think she is the only one getting into this kind of trouble but for you it is heartbreaking, the punishment is fair and I would be sure to try to monitor her activity as much as possible, there is a 504 plan a school can put in place to ensure someone is around her as much as possible, but I truly think you should enlist the help of the Principal, he will be glad to know that you are trying to keep her in check and that you are seeking help, and do not worry she is 9 1/2 that is so young and this can be sorted out, hope this helps, wuld love to hear how it ends....GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

"I can't help the fact that you other parents are big FAT slobs. and can't accept the fact that you never lost your baby weight."





Way to go on the generalization.





But anyway. She's at the age now where she's testing the waters, trying to see what she can get away with. Or, some kids pull that kind of stuff so they'll fit in with the "cool" kids. Talk to her, and call her on her lying. Don't be mean just yet, deal with her as an adult. Reiterate that stealing is wrong and all that jazz, and get her to apologize to the people she took from. If you feel like it, make her work off that 5 bucks by helping the owner of the wallet out(odd jobs, chores, etc.). One of the main things is not to freak out in front of her. Some kids are after a reaction. The more calm and understanding you are with her, the better. And I don't know the situation, but is she maybe wanting attention from you?







By the way, you realize that pride is a sin as well, don't you?

Answer 3

I am the last person to want another kid medicated or diagnosed with something ridiculous but some people really do have impulse control problems that can lead to addiction. There really are only a few answers and you are the only one who will know which it is. Your daughter either needs professional help for kleptomania or you have done something wrong and have not provided enough attention, love and guidance for her to develop a moral compass. Kids immitate what they see. So where could she have seen this- her friends, your friends? Somehow she does not understand that she is not the center of the universe and that her actions have an effect on others.



In addition- I did not read all the comments but saw your responses. Please consider that there are reasons beyond jealousy to question the character of a mother that posts a picture of herself in a bikini. I would like to see you respond with some depth about your feelings of society and beauty and role models. The words scrawled across your belly do give a glimpse into your psychic makeup. I do not want to draw conclusions- you are attractive, as you know. Why do you need to put yourself out there for that approval if you really are so self-assured? What lesson would your daughter take from seeing her mother online in this state of undress. Even if she can't see you- the characteristics that drive you to display yourself must be visible to her in other ways. Just think about it.

Answer 4

I think you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her what you told us about being an honest person. Tell her a few things about her that you really love and then say that you are concerned for her because you know that she is a good person but that she is behaving poorly by taking things that do not belong to her. It could be that she is just trying to get some attention also. Many children will take negative attention over no attention. Maybe you can set her up with some chores and allowance so that she can works towards earning money for things she wants to buy. I would also make her take personal responsibility on some level. In other words, have her bring the wallet in to her teacher (not in front of everyone) and explained that she found it in her bathroom. She knows what she did, you don't need an all out confession but knowing that she has to face up to it on some level, may deter her. If she continues, I would have her see a therapist.

Answer 5

The punishment should FIT the crime. If she failed to do her homework, because she was watching TV, ground her from TV.

If she steals, and lies to cover it up-that has very little to do with TV. And EVERYTHING to do with wanting STUFF to fill up her life/heart.

Make her take the wallet back to the PERSON SHE TOOK IT FROM. Have her write a letter to this person, telling her that she was wrong, and that she has learned her lesson, and please forgive her. She needs to EARN that money over a LONG TIME.(you PAY THE FIRL BACK now AND MAKE YOUR daUGHTER PAY you BACK.

For instance, make her fold towels, EXACTLY RIGHT, and pay her 10 cents for each good one. Tell her over and over that it is it is very hard to rebuild lost trust. And that is what she is doing, a dime at a time for MONTHS.

She is going through a STAGE and her mother calls her names and demeans her. She is not feeling GOOD ENOUGH all by herself. She has to have a special thing or sneak around because she doesn't FEEL like she DESERVES good things.

I didn't do this. The person who raised her did this. You and she together can fix this, but she needs a grown-up role model first. She needs a PARTNER, a person in her corner, not someone who throws her under the bus, when she needs help. She is reaching out to you for attention and validation. And you call her names and treat her like trash. What she DID is not acceptable, but SHE IS! Help her to see that.

You SOUND like you have a huge chip on your shoulder. You think you are better than others because you can get in a bikini. Big deal. It is not who you ARE, it is an outward sign of an ego, followed closely by emanness, and shallowness.

Answer 6

Just forget about people telling you that if your daughter acts like that it's because of you, you're doing what you need to do to support your family.Congratulations! You manage to be a mum and not to forget that you are a woman first of all. Some can't cope with that.



Your daughter is probably trying to tell you something. Maybe she doesn't fit in her new school, maybe she has troubles with some other girls, or maybe she's friends with the wrong person.

You should go to your daughter's school to meet the principal and maybe her teachers to see how she behaves at school.

As for punishments, I think that she can also be testing you, to see your limits. Try to be firm and make her pay back the 5 bucks by doing little chores for neighbours (walking dogs around, picking dead leaves...).



And I'm the only one to be appaled by the fact that a 9 year-old girl had a cell phone at school????

Answer 7

I can't believe that everyone has missed what to me seems obvious. Last year she was in a catholic school and this year she is in a public school. Well, that means that instead of being surrounded by a particular group of people, she is now in the general population. Have a talk with her teachers. Does she fit in with her peers or is she ostracized? If she has friends, what kind of kids are they? Her school environment has radically changed and this may be her coping mechanism. Oh, and categorizing your own child as a lying thief certainly won't help the situation.

Answer 8

One of my daughter used to steal and what I did was when I saw her with something that wasn't hers I talked to her until I was able to track down the source of where she stole the item from. After I was sure I got in the car with my daughter, the stolen item and I made her go in and apologize and return the item. She cried and was humiliated. Maybe if you make her return the item and apologize to the whole class or school she will be too humiliated to do it again. As far as they way you look that is no ones business. It does not matter what you look like people have the right to dress or look like however they want without being criticized.

Answer 9

That's a tough one. She's probably acting out because of the school change. Unless there are other changes in her life that could be causing it. I'd say continue with your punishments, and inflict more as needed. Let her know that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and it WILL stop now. Then give her time to figure it out (continue appropriate punishments). It could be a phase. If not, take more extreme measures. Also, talk to her pediatrician and school counselor.

Good luck

Answer 10

I can't believe people are picking on you!!!! first of all i think your picture is beautiful and obviously someone is JEALOUS!?! hey I am i have a 2 year old and don't look like that!! so hell ya for u!! ANYWAYS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!

you sound like a pretty level headed parent, regaurdless of what people say! kids are going to do these things! what i would do honestly is..... take something of hers, that she REALLY REALLY likes whatever her may be maybe a couple things, and hide them, and lie lie lie no i haven't seen it etc. make her worry and feel bad and look for them etc. let her know how it feels being on the other end!! my son is 8 and he has a gameboy, i would let him take it on car rides with us when i knew it would be a long drive, well he always misplaced it and we are trying to teach her to be responsible for his things and keep them picked up, he brought his game into our friends house and set it down and went off to play.. *they have a 3 year old we have a 2 year old* anyone with kids would know that they pick up EVERYTHING anyone sets down! in most cases.. anyway.... my husband picked it up and put it in his pocket, my poor son was looking everywhere he thought one of the little ones got a hold of it, about 2 weeks later, he gave it back to him. then we sat down and talked to him, and explained that we wanted him to know what it felt like to loose something you really like, and that's why we need to keep our things picked up and put away.... the whole point is, she might understand a little better if she feels the same way... i would also give her extra chorse to do, things she really doesn't like at all, i hope if this isn't for you you get some better answers than the ones that have been left for you.....just think consequences personally if it were me i would have been harder on her.......she's young enough there is still time!! if she has consequesnces for her actions, she won't grow up to be a lying theif :) I hope she straightens up!

Answer 11

You need to punish her more severely. Ground her for a month the next time she steals something. If that doesn't work, try grounding her from all electronics for a week. That is one of the most effective ways to get a kid to listen is to take away their connection to the Internet.

Answer 12

dont listen to the haters, they hate cause they aint... they are just mad cause they cant wear a bikini and look good. ok youraughter, ya it is kind of scary that she can make a story up like that. but in all honesty all kids lie, especially if they fear getting in trouble. i would look into the kids she is hanging with, maybe it is peer pressure. maybe she is just trying to be cool or has seen someone else do it. i think your punishment is good enough not being able to trick or treat is horrible for a kid, so that will probably be effective. your not doing anything wrong she is just a kid. i stole a barbie from a store when i was 8and my mom made me return it. i didnt realize how bad it was, all i knew is that i wanted the barbie and my mom told me no.. it didnt mean that i was disturbed or that my family was disfunctional, it just meant i was testing my boundaries. and i think that is what your daughter is doing. if it continues and she shows no remorse for her actions and no punishment is working, then maybe have her talk to someone. also changing schools it tough for a kid so maybe she is acting out because of that.

Answer 13

She could be acting out to get attention. Do you work a lot? Do you leave her alone or not have time for her as much as you used to? These could be the underlying causes of her stealing. Kids crave attention, good or bad.



Good luck.

Answer 14

first figure out if there is something behind it. i wonder if she is crying out for something or maybe something else is going on. I wish I knew what to tell you because my little bro was like that when we where growing up... and later on he finally said that the reason he had done those things was that he never got anything because he was the middle child.. the attention was always given to me.. the oldest and the youngest was always giving to the little one. SO thats why he was stealing things. to get what he thought that he deserved.

Answer 15

Mass culture is presently the cult of superficiality. The goals are low and simple: Be rich, be pretty, have it all, be selfish, it's all about you. She's buying into it. I don't think it's too broad a stretch to suggest, as others have, that your avatar tells a story about you which makes the story about your daughter less than surprising.

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"I can't help the fact that you other parents are big FAT slobs. and can't accept the fact that you never lost your baby weight."

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Wow. An uneducated, hateful and immature pottymouth who's proud of it, too. The girl's problems are of your making. It's cultural. Own the blame that is rightfully yours, or just keep lying to yourself and denying, the way she does.

Answer 16

Lots of kids go through this stage.

My son did it, got punished, stopped and then just 3 months ago after 5 yrs did it again...so he is grounded, and we took everything out of his room i.e t.v PlayStation, mobile phone mp3..all the things that matter.

He then had to 'earn them back'

This has worked really well...I suggest you try it!!!

Answer 17

Having the same problem with my 16 year old! When you see their role models it's no wonder. I keep calling him Georgie! He lies like a pro from D.C.! ;-(=

Answer 18

Sorry to say, but children are a product of their environment. And to put it in a nice terms. Analyze how your child is being raised. Where is the father figure? What traits is your daughter seeing you express?



I'm not trying to be mean in the least, I am trying to be constructive.

Answer 19

Well what worked when I was a kid, a good old fashioned butt whipping got attention and taught the kid not to do it

Answer 20

You need to have her spend some quality time

across your knee.



Spare the Rod and Spoil the child..



And for you.. put some clothes on!

Answer 21

teach him how to steal books and knowledge

Answer 22

Ditto the first and second answer.

Answer 23

Take her to church! as much as possible too!

Answer 24

u look good

Answer 25

i agree with the first answer, and the 2nd

Answer 26

one word four letters .... B ...E.....L.....T