My soon to be 5 year old will NOT listen at school or anywhere else!!!?

Question

My daughter will be 5 in August and is starting kindergarten this year. She is currently in preschool and gets at least 1 "timeout" per day if not more. They base a "good day" on less than 3 timeouts. She is very independent and outgoing which is what I love about her. She did dance last year and would not listen and follow directions for the teacher so I pulled her out half way through the session thinking she was too young. This year she does gymnastics and only ocassionally gets in trouble there. She wanted to do Teeball and all was well for the first couple games and then Jordynator emerged (Her name is Jordyn and her teachers at school call her Jordynator after the Terminator...lovely right??) She literally walked the bases and ignored her coaches instructions and poked and tiptoed along when the ball came to her. Can you say embarrassing!?! Now that Teeball is over I signed her up for swim lessons. This was her first week and it was Jordynator all over again!! She loves to swim so I thought I had a winner here...NOT!! She was fine for the first day but the second day she was a nightmare!! Got out of the water, ran around the pool deck, was throwing floaties around everywhere, and actually teased the teacher with a ball and then chucked it into the pool over her head so she would have to go and get it. I almost pulled her out early and left of embarrassment!! If your children do extra curriculars you know how expensive it is. I am willing to fork out the cash and sacrifice my shoe collection fund but WTF?? Im wasting money! Shes obviously not getting anything out of it other than making other mothers think she was raised by a pack of wolves! I tried taking things away from her, time outs, no play dates, nothing is working!!!!!!!!! what do i do??

Answer 1

I think your embarrassment is probably not helping. You have to deal with her bad behaviour when it occurs and I have the impression you don't do that because you don't want to cause a scene (though you try to discipline her later.) It is also possible that your embarrassment is actually the reaction Jordyn is hoping for. Embarrassment makes us feel small and insignificant and want to disappear. If you react like that, while she is making herself the centre of attention then it seems like she gains a lot of power with her behaviour.



I think you need to speak to her about her behaviour and come up together with a short list of simple rules that you can enforce calmly. Then when she behaves badly you need to react immediately. Don't wait for things to get really messy, squash the first sign of trouble. Don't wheedle or try to reason with her or get her on-side. Remind her of the rules she agreed to, get her to make good and apologise. If she persists give her an immediate time out for a few minutes. If she still continues to misbehave and you reach the point when you would think of pulling her out early and leaving, don't do it. Pull her out and sit her at the side where she can watch all the other kids enjoying themselves until the end of the lesson. Make sure you reward and praise her on those occasions when she does behave well so that she learns that that is a better way of garnering attention. Also speak to her teachers and coaches to try and get a consistent approach.



You say she only occasionally gets in trouble at gymnastics, which is a very disciplined sport, so definitely keep her in that and maybe talk to the coaches there about how they manage her. From experience I guess they have clear rules and expectations and brook no exceptions since it is the only way of ensuring a safe environment in the gym, they probably have pretty good staff-ratios which undoubtedly helps too!



Finally, if you feel her behaviour is exceptional, and you may need to consider the possibility of a behavioural condition. Her teachers, who should have training in this area and who have more experience of a broader range of children of her age than you as a parent, might have some insight here. In this case you will need to take her to see a doctor as a first point of call.

Answer 2

""very independent"" ---> and there lies the problem. Lil Jordyn has not learned respect nor manners. Treating this as 'not listening' is not getting to the root of the problem - respect and manners. This will only get far far worse. I recommend the book "Nanny 911 for all Your Parenting Emergencies" to start. yes it can be harsh, but Lil Miss Independence needs to learn how to be respectful to both people and property, and how to show good manners.

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Now for her discipline: She is old enough to apologize for her behavior. This will be step one to teaching her how to be respectful and use manners. She will fight you big on this. She wants to be in control and show off. She repeats this time and time again because she gets exactly what she wants --- attention. (negative or positive, she is getting what she wants).

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Take her back to swimming, have her apologize for her behavior. Some coaches will 'bench' the athlete for the day which would be good. She can sit on the bench and be miserable, she will learn if she wants to have fun she needs to follow the rules. Again, this will be another tough road.

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Right now it seems she is being labeled as a 'trouble maker' when in fact this is all simple lack of manners and showing respect. When properly addressed and corrected, this issue will resolve itself surprisingly quickly IF AND ONLY IF there is consistency and correct punishments carried out. (like sitting the bench after misbehavior, and then apologizing). But do expect fierce resistance. But she needs to learn. And Kindergarten teachers will not put up with this at all.

Answer 3

Well, at least you can see her faults. A lot of parents are blind. This calls for a drastic solution. Pull her out of extracurriculars, and explain that until she can learn to be respectful of others, it is for the best, as the other kids could be hurt. What to do now? Put a system in place, every day, of rewards and punishments and WORK ON BEHAVIOR, especially what is appropriate in social situtations, until she is ready. Teach the girl some dang manners! Have discussions about etiquette.

Answer 4

you need to discipline her. In your question you stated that you almost took her home early because of her behavior. That is what needs to happen. She will not be allowed to stay at a fun activity if she doesn't behave properly. She will be stubborn and a nightmare at first but stick with it. Watch super nanny and start disciplining!! Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

You "almost" pulled her out early? When she behaves that way, you leave. Immediately. I'd also stop all extra-curriculars for a while because she's clearly not ready for them.



You say that you've tried everything, but all you've really tried are punishments that are unrelated to the misbehaviors. And grounding her from playdates isn't really going to have the effect you want at this age since she won't necessarily tie her misbehavior to you saying no to a playdate 5 days later.



How does she behave at home when she's just with you? Does she listen? If not, you need to work on that first. When you need her attention, get on eye level, touch her shoulder if necessary, and say her name. When she looks at you, tell her what you need her to do. You can even make tasks into fun games, but the important thing is that she's doing what you need/want her to at that moment.



Before you go out in public, remind her of the rules -- things like staying with you, walking (not running), using an indoor voice, etc. If she misbehaves in public, you can give her a warning for something minor. If she continues or if she starts a tantrum, you immediately go home. Immediately. And you make sure that home is not as fun -- no TV, no playing with friends, etc.



The main key is that you can't let even a single misbehavior go. She has learned that she can do whatever she wants because you won't stop her. And think about logical or natural consequences whenever possible. If she hurts someone's feelings, she needs to apologize or write a sorry note (even if she can't really write yet). If she throws a toy in the house, that toy goes in time out. If she runs away from you in the parking lot, then she needs to hold your hand or ride in the cart/stroller until she can stay close.



You also need to make sure that she's receiving lots of positive attention from you. Play with her, snuggle her, read stories with her, etc. When she realizes that good behavior results in good attention, she won't want to misbehave.



One final thought... her behavior honestly sounds more like a 2-3 year-old than an almost 5-year-old. You may want to consider talking to her doctor or seeking counseling if you think her behavior is medically based.

Answer 6

put in place "the fear of god" theory into her.... basically make her so unbelievably afraid of disappointing you that she improves herbehavior. Only use negative punishment when she does something bad (meaning take something away or dont let her do something) have this separate from chores sh does already do NOT use those as a punishment because this wil ause her to never want to do them when she is older. And when use posotive reinforcement (meaning give her a treat every once and a while but not every single time).